10 reasons I will never be slim

Technology has made Americans pretty damn lazy. We have become so damn lazy, that we want everything delivered to us. Google and Amazon now have grocery delivery services.

Naw, I’m just kidding….

But Seriously

The food is crack in a bun! I’m trying to lose weight.
  1. I eat food for flavor, not for nutrition– When I chew on my food, I want instant gratification. I want to feel the fat, salts, and sugars rushing through my veins like a crack fiend who is chasing his first high. I am not thinking about how many calories, or how much cholesterol is clogging my arteries. I don’t know how many grams of sugar this McCafe syrup drenched coffee has. My boss is an Asshole, and life sucks, but these salty ass french fries is making me feel appreciated. I am on a blissful high that is incomprehensible for a skinny vegan to relate to. I don’t want to blend a kale smoothie. I already know I am gonna die young, I can’t quit this shit. I wanna stop, but I can’t help but go through the drive-thru to buy some palatable junk. I rationalize the bad behavior by deceiving myself. I can’t view food the way you do. I am a psychopath.
    how you look at food..
    How I look at food

    2. I don’t drink enough water– Water to me is the most bland, terrible, emptiest fluid one person could drink. In order to lose weight, I would have to eat less food, and drink more water. Not gatorade, not milk, diet soda, or fruit juice, I would be forced to drink actual water. In order to lose weight I would have to ignore my sugar addiction and be old fashioned. Without paying any attention, soft drinks and sugary beverages can add up to 50 percent of your daily calories. The daily coffee I get at 7/11 with the mini shots of creamer adds up. I would have to drink my coffee black with no additives.

water is important

The benefits would outweigh the cons. I wouldn’t be constipated, with questionable breath. More water would mean that my piss wouldn’t be dark as my skin color, it would actually be light colored. I would actually eat when I’m hungry. At this moment, I eat first, ask questions last, when it should be the other way around.

3. I mindlessly eat while watching TV, etc – When I am going through my dvr list of shows to watch, I didn’t even recognize that I ate half a bag of pop chips. If I were skinny, I would have to pay close attention to what I eat, by logging every morsel of food and drink inside my fitbit app. I would have to swap all my dinner plates for my daughters baby plates. I would have to swap buttered popcorn for mashed cauliflower with sea salt and carrot sticks.

(Mother)”Eat your colors Bartholomew!!!”

4. I buy health junk food, and reason that I’m eating healthy -When I go to my local Trader Joe’s or Sprout’s Market in Los Angeles,CaI have a tendency to fall for all the fuckery; Gluten-free Chocolate cake, vegan cupcakes, vegan cookies, brownies, potato chips etc.

“It’s vegan, so it must be healthy, Dear!”

Despite walking through Trader Joe’s and grabbing some healthy food, I always manage to negate it with garbage: Trader Joe’s Cookie Butter, Maple butter cookies,  ice cream bars, cookie n’ creme spread, chocolate salted caramel candies.

I figure if the food is packaged with all the healthy benefits, it must have no consequences. Im eating so healthy with the other food, this “little snack” wouldn’t  bother. And that is another reason why I can’t succeed on a diet.

5. I would have to exercise almost everyday – On top of eating like a toddler and being highly irritable from sugar withdrawals, I would have to find time to exercise. I am so out of shape that a simple jog would feel like an eternity.

I work 60 hrs a week, and finding time to exercise would have to be more important than any other task I enjoy. More likely than not, I would have to go straight to the gym after work, and get it in. 30 mins is cute, but to get great results, I would have to do 45 mins to an hour. By time I get finished, I would feel a sense of self-accomplishment and better confidence. I would feel my serotonin levels increase, which would bring down by bouts of depression and anxiety. I would have no time for family and my wife would complain about me not sharing responsibility for our daughter. In other words, “I want to exercise and do what I want to after work too! Why should you get the autonomy to do what you want to do without repercussions? I am handling too much of the load.” and the nagging would be incessant. When I get home from the workout, I would have to prepare my meal and cook my dinner. Anything that could be microwaved, or inside of a  package has too much sodium or sugar to consume, so I would have to cook.

6. I would have to prepare and carry my meals –  Every night after my work out, I would have to cook my meal and prepare my lunch for the next day. Most of weight loss is about preparation. Cooking and planning my meal would probably take another hour and a half, 3 times a week. I really enjoy convenience, so this would be a pain in the ass. I like to get up and go, stop at the 7/11,get my coffee and hit the road. I like to stop at wherever my hunger leads me to. Every day I have a different place I like to stop and get my lunch, this would eliminate that routine. Broccoli and wild-caught salmon with blueberries and plain greek yogurt every other day would be challenging. Yes, I would be dropping pounds, but the constant hassle of unlearning bad habits would be tough. In the event I forget my meal, what would be my emergency plan? These would be things I would have to figure out.

7. I would have to ignore the midnight cravings – When you exercise and burn calories, you lose fat, but you also become more hungry. Exercise produces a hormone inside of the body called ghrelin. Ghrelin, is simply a hunger hormone. You produce more ghrelin in your body when you are more active. I am already prone to midnight snacking, so I would have to plan a healthy midnight snack that wouldn’t destroy my entire diet. Sugary carbs would destroy my diet and still leave me hungry in the morning. Having limited choices, I would be forced to ignore these cravings and go to sleep.

“Just one bite..”

8. An un-participating spouse that is oblivious – Starting a new diet is always hard. You declare for the millionth time, that you are finished with eating bad. You rid your pantry of as much fat, salt, and sugar as you can find, and explain to your spouse that you would appreciate it if they don’t bring any junk food in the house. Sensing that you are gonna fail for the 512th consecutive time, your spouse dubiously sighs in disbelief. In the spouses mind, you are gonna start this p90x dvd and quit again like you always do. You will blend ninja smoothies for a month, and go right back to chocolate milk and glazed donuts. You are just on another health kick cause you’ve seen the “Food Inc.” and “Fat, sick, and nearly dead” documentaries on Netflix. When you come back home from work, guess what is on the kitchen counter:

sprinkles cupcakes – beverly hills

“Jesus Christ!!, Sprinkles cupcakes!” you exclaim. “I got these from a friend at work. She was gonna throw them away, but I decided I was gonna take them home, because I knew you would eat em” the spouse says. Next thing you know you are 3 cupcakes in feeling like this.

9. I wouldn’t be able to use Eat24.com or GrubHub – Technology has made Americans pretty damn lazy. We have become so damn lazy, that we want everything delivered to us. Google and Amazon now have grocery delivery services. Driving to pickup some local food at the Thai restaurant is optional. Eat 24 offers a weekly code that takes 2 dollars off whatever you want to order. Between a couple, that is up to 4 bucks off every week to sit on your ass and wait for the delivery to come to your door. These companies are paying you to stay in the house and eat like a slob. Being that I couldn’t eat any thing that I don’t prepare, takeout or delivery would not be a viable option. Even the so-called “healthy” dishes have obscene amounts of sodium and hidden sugars. Every once in a while I could order, but my spouse would have to be in on it as well. It is no way my wife is giving up her favorite Brazilian “Bossa-Nova” restaurant food, once a month. It just ain’t happening.

10. Food is ubiquitous –   There is no escaping food. When you pump gas you have to enter the convenience mart to pay the cashier. Frito-Lay and beverage companies know you are stressed out and looking for instant gratification. They purposefully stock Am/Pm with sweets and fatty foods because they know you are in a weak mental state. Food trucks that sell tacos, burritos, burgers and lobster sandwiches are on every corner, trying to lure you in. Food is a form of communication and celebration, it is at your workplace when co-workers offer to go on a group lunch. It is the after work happy-hour that is hosting a Taco Tuesday you feel obliged to attend. You cannot escape food, because it is EVERYWHERE. You probably will eat something immediately after reading this article. Food is in different cultures and flavors. There is an advertisement that will pop up afterwards when reading this page, that will promote a restaurant deal. A holiday or birthday is coming up where food will be presented. For a fat person, he or she cannot escape food, he or she has to learn how to work around the problem. Alcoholics and drug addicts can cut the drug out by re-routing the streets they take. A overweight person cannot avoid food.

Thanks for reading this story. If you chuckled and laughed at this story in any way, please share on your favorite social platform.

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23 thoughts on “10 reasons I will never be slim

      1. Hahaha sweet. Feel free to check out my posts. I have a little bit of different humor. But, hey give it a try. By the way nice GIF.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Dude you’re awesome, I totally feel you, even though I’m a little too drunk to read past I dunno what part. McD’s all day breakfast is the best thing I’ve heard since two weeks ago,…I’m definitely lovin’ it and taking advantage!!! Ha! and if you’re going to go high-carb coffee it’s worth it for a Starbucks frapp, seriously. Depression sucks but any good cup of coffee will pick you up…at least for some 6 hours.

    -Weird Awesome

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Man, working 60 hours a week, needing to spend quality time with the wife and kid(s) everyday, while also doing all those things you listed is a really hard task, and I’m not sure it’s something that’s possible for each and everyone of us, unfortunately. Sometimes when I can’t find time to exercise properly and regularly, I immediately become much more particular with my diet. It’s not like I eat a lot of crap on a daily basis, but when I quit exercise/can’t find time to exercise, I eat even healthier/less unhealthy than I did otherwise, to counter-balance my lack of exercise.

    I’m Swedish and we’re kinda raised with the “drink lotsa water, only eat candy on Saturdays, and say ‘fuck you’ to the vending machine at 3pm at the office, and you’ll be fine” mentality.

    From what I’ve heard, known and seen, the US and Americans have a different mentality when it comes to food and daily intake. Interesting to find out why that is, though.

    BTW the picture of those prepared dishes with lots of greens looked delicious to me, lol!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Interesting perspective. In America, food is a huge business. With the influx of migrants from other countries, they bring their food and customs with them. So, America has become a huge ass potluck of different foods. In Los Angeles, California, Mexican food is popular because there is a strong population of Mexican and Mexican-American people. In Downtown LA/ Korea Town there is a lot of Asian cuisine and fusion. And almost everywhere there is a food truck. It is almost the opposite in America. Companies specifically have made commercials with sugary drinks and cereals with little kids as targets. The store displays in every gas station is beckoning you to eat something unhealthy, and usually you relent because the junk food gives a high after a stressful day. No wonder the other countries are healthy. Lol.


      1. I see, and that’s what I’ve come to understood too when talking with friends from the US. I’m not quite sure now, but I think those kids-targeted commercials are illegal in Sweden. At least they’re frowned upon and you never see them. Sure you have your sugar-y cornflakes commercials and what not, but nothing really major.

        Keep up the good posts!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Well…You pretty much covered all the bases! And I DID chuckle, while also feeling a bit of concern. I am not an overweight person yet eating healthy and getting my exercise still presents a challenge. Like you, I enjoy food that has TASTE!!! What happened to the “good old days” when ignorance was bliss and we just ATE?! Oh well. I have always been petite but let me break down some truth: as I’ve got on in life my body has wearied of breaking down the shit I used to eat that wasn’t real food. Now it protests and and often “refuses to cooperate.” Discomfort and pain are not funny! so I am still modifying my habits! Wild-caught salmon, blueberries, olive-oil-with-sea-salt popcorn, etc. are all tasting better and better!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 😁😂😂😂. I hear you. I’ve seen the toll it took on my parents. Diabetes and Strokes ain’t funny, but somehow we play Russian roulette with our health. We take better care of our cars than our health. It was written so I can see how ridiculous my behavior is. This is my mirror. Hopefully I will change before its too late.


  4. A hundred times yes. A friend invited me for pho today, and we sat in that restaurant, eating our broth, looking at skinny people, thinking, “This is not filling.” I cannot be a pho person. Even when I jogged daily for over an hour, I never lost a pound. Not worth it. And I feel you on the Trader Joe’s. I’ll eat a handful of their dried fruits and nuts and then three glasses of their red wine. And you’re right about Tupperware lunches. I had to do that when I was on Weight Watchers, counting all my points, not having the luxury of spontaneously deciding I wanted BBQ or Mexican for lunch at my whim. Granted, I trimmed down to a hot little number. But a HUNGRY one who couldn’t stay there. Cheers to chunky!

    Liked by 1 person

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